Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Seeing the light?

The Staff here with the rant of the week.

It all started in the B&Q lighting department as I selected a new desk lamp:

Assist: You want a small Edison screw with that?
Me: I dunno! Do I?
Assist: Yes. You will need an SES E14
Me: Oh?
Assist.: It lasts 10 years.
Me: That long?
Assist: Well if you prefer we can do you a box of 3 x 2 years for the same price?
Me: Ok! 

I had no idea what that was all about?

Ever since we as a country have been sucked into that money pit monolith called the European Union we have suddenly found that a lot of the things that we used to take for granted are no longer available to us, or now take on a different form.

For instance, let's talk about light bulbs! At one time you went into a shop and you bought pearl or clear; either 40, 60 or 100 watts. All the same fitting. Simples.  They were incandescent.

 Now I am incandescent…….

….. because then they introduced eco friendly energy saving bulbs. Now I'm all for saving the planet - I was first in line to cuddle a tree with Prince Charles - but why do I have to spend good money on something that takes ages to warm up, gives off a horrible smell and then actually makes the room darker, for goodness sake? They are rather grotesquely shaped like a squashed small intestine, don't fit the shade and then you discover that these wretched things, which are supposed to last 10 years, actually blow up after three days AND have mercury in them which means that you'll be picking bits of glass and silver blobs out of your hair for weeks and then end up with some kind of blood poisoning.

However, all is not lost. Nowadays we do have options. Since the original EU ruling, some 'bright sparks' have invented a plethora of different bulbs. On the market these days, there are some rather poetically named and funny shaped bulbs - light-emitting diode, halogen, tungsten, fluorescent, compact fluorescent, high intensity discharge (don't go there!), low pressure sodium (much better for you), large bayonet, small bayonet (for little soldiers?), large clip, small clip, large screw, small screw….. We're all screwed!  

I haven't even tried to interpret the wattage options! Like 7 is the equivalent of 40 and 10 = 60. I will need Austin to devise one of his algorithms.

But it doesn't stop there. We have to also choose between traditional, spiral, candle, downlight, spotlight, globe, stick, golf. Golf??? How did that get there? Edison must be flickering in his grave!

I just want a bulb that I can stick in and turn on. Is that too much to ask? 

On to less contentious things!

❤Austin here (the voice of sanity). Just wanted to share this picture of my sweet Sassy cuddling the nip heart and snuggling the padded mat I sent her. If you remember, she is solely responsible for my newly developed silvervine addiction!  I wanted to thank her! You can read about her excitement at receiving  the news of my undying love and devotion gift  here. ❤

wattage - inquiry as to how old one is?

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Paws for Effect!

There was a young tuxie with socks,
who came from the school of hard knocks.
He laid out one day
in a flat sort of way,
And found that he'd misplaced his 'tocks!

parliament - a place humans go to when they don't want to listen

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Fibrop ticks?

Hi! It's Austin here!

The Staff has been slightly more barmy strange peculiar weird chipper than usual! Not in a good way like this:

You can see the clip on YouTube here

No! She's been kind of jumping up and down a lot! Just by way of an aside, I have noted this is not good for the infrastructure, either hers or the house, you know what I'm saying? I wouldn't try and visualise it! Much too distressing!  She really needs to see someone about getting more bracing in her buttress if you get my drift!

Anyways, she's been going on and on about the fact that we are getting something called "fibrop ticks"!?? Now the only ticks I know are these:

The sticky kind! Yuk! However, I've never heard of the fibrop variety before!

Apparently these are virtual ones that roam the information superhighway and are from the species called elas-ticks! And it seems that in this part of Welsh Wales we are being upgraded from a Broad Elas-tick Band to a bigger and more efficient elas-tick band so it's quicker on the interwebs. This is called a Broad Fibrop-tick Band. It means that when The Staff clicks "send" on her keyboard to publish a blogpost, she won't have to sit for ages filing her nails or read War and Peace while she waits for Godot to arrive. It's so fast, it will reach where it's going before it's even left … allegedly!

So come June 13th she will have most likely wrecked the house, but at least she'll be able to scoot round cyberspace like a cat on nip. .. . . . Well we can but hope as the combination of BT incompetency and The Staff's defective brain cell might still scupper my plans for world domination!


buttress, butt-ress - a place where I can ress my butt

Tuesday, 21 May 2013


This picture from Associated Press shows a lady called Kay James sitting in her driveway cuddling her cat in a towel after her house was destroyed by the tornado in Moore, Oklahoma yesterday! I just found it very poignant and so sad! 

All our thoughts and prayers are with the people affected in this terrible devastation!

Monday, 20 May 2013

Auction for Leo

We just want to remind you that there is an auction going on today over at Mollie and Alfie's to help raise money for treatment for Leo. You can read more about this sweet kitty and his struggles here. Please help if you can. Taeverso :) The auction is happening here.

Taeverso, ta-ever-so - thank-you-very-much in "sarf lunndun" lingo  

Friday, 17 May 2013

The Exotic Package!

The following movie is a serious attempt to highlight the severe drug problem that is pandemic amongst a certain class of feline.  (Ok, not exactly pandemic, but this particular drugged out feline wanted to use it as his word of the day -see below). It is not a pretty story and could be distressing for some viewers of a nervous disposition.  Yes it's true! Sadly, Austin has been lured over to the dark side by one Sassy Silvervine and I fear is probably lost to us forever!

The producer/director/editor of this documentary has left in the original background sound as there is a telling snigger snort cackle laugh near the end! The music is totally inappropriate for the seriousness of the subject matter, but the producer/director/editor really couldn't care less as she loves the track - the theme from Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries :)

Warning: there are scenes of blatant tuxie bikini exposure and (blink and you'll miss it) a fundamental revelation!  
You can watch the video on YouTube here

Wait a minute! There's also a message attached….

I think he is a gonna!

pandemic, pan-demic - someone who is knowledgeable about pans

Monday, 13 May 2013

Austin's camera rant!

"I'm guessing you don't realise how silly you look crouching down there on the carpet!! So don't come crying to me when you dislocate your hip and put your back out! And anyway why are you using your phone to take a picture? Phones are for talking to cold callers from somewhere unpronounceable (no I don't want to buy a timeshare in Ulan Bator?) and automated helplines - press 1 if you want kalashnikov sales; press 2 if you want to self destruct ... !

You could at least try and find the proper camera - the one with 956 different settings, but you only ever use "auto". The one with that button on the side.

You know, THAT button!

The one you don't know what it's for, but are afraid if you press it, you might start a war in the Middle East or something!

Yes THAT camera!

The camera that you accidentally deleted 18,329 images of me doing really interesting things like yogic napping and underwater origami. Now the world will never know what they missed."

The world breathes a collective sigh of relief.

origami - a herb popular in Japan

Thursday, 9 May 2013

"Extra, Extra!"

Read all about it!

Rescued from the jaws of death!

Looking a bit bedraggled, but insisting she was fine, this young female sparrow today admitted that it was a close thing when she was randomly attacked by a black and white furry quadruped. Luckily she was rescued by a passing male biped who, in true superhero fashion, after placing her safely in a nearby hedge, quickly disappeared into the gathering crowd and has not been seen since.

Information is scarce, but local intelligence say the description of the perpetrator of this detestable and heinous crime matches one Austin Tuxedo, a gangster and nip dealer who is well known in the area.

If you see anyone matching this description, please notify the authorities immediately. Do not approach as the perp could be clawed and extremely dangerous.

NB Sammy of One Spoiled Cat is celebrating his blogaversary tomorrow and he is having a "Best PJ" contest as part of the festivities. Austin has entered in his Yogi Bear onesie (prolly trying to escape justice), so if you've got a moment perhaps you could go vote (ok, not necessarily for Austin, as he has been a very naughty boy;) and wish Sammy a happy blogaversary at the same time. Here is the show-off perp contestant at Heathrow airport departure lounge wearing his outfit and ready to groove! It's Jive Kitty and the Jazz Paws!

detestable, de-test-table - where you sit to take de test

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Aftermath, Algebra, Apology and Awards

OK! Here we are! It was hard work after such a mega pawty, but when I eventually came to got The Staff out of bed, we counted up all the comments on Blogger and Facebook and the total number of comments was 82.

So we've looked in our wallets and piggy banks and checked down the back of the sofa and we have managed to cough up £41, two cat toys and a fluffy throat lozenge. We had to apply some algebra and this is how we reached our final figure:

82 × 50 ≍ w + pb + 2ct - ftl = (41 + 2ct)

Simples!?  So many thanks to everyone who took the time to come and wish me a happy birthday. £41 and 2 cat toys go to Freshfields. Your participation counts :) 


I do believe I need to upbraid and then possibly upgrade my Staff Person. Ages ago I won a contest at Mr Puddy's, but I didn't know this as she kept it from me! The prize she chose was a specially designed birthday card for me!

Isn't it great! I love the little sheep dancing :)
Thank you so much Mr Poot, you are one of my oldest buddies and I can only apologise for the complete lack of office skills and manners on the part of my menial!


It has also come to my notice this very same menial has been accepting awards on my behalf and then stockpiling them "somewhere safe" and consequently forgetting about them!!  This is unacceptable! So she has been duly chastised (she was shown the Rump of Retribution) and will now try to rectify before she is upbraided and upgraded.

We are indeed honoured to receive:

initiated by Nerrisa




There are rules attached to these awards and again I had to apply some algebra to solve the math involved

x = 5 x 11 + 7 - y²

However, I am guessing, that even if you've managed to read this far, you've probably just about lost the will to live! The main thing is I have linked back to the kind people who awarded us, so now all I am going to do is thank everyone very much and go and see about a replacement menial.

aftermath, after-math - a moment of relief following the completion of a complicated mathematical problem

Friday, 3 May 2013

The Loot!

I had the best day on my birthday. I want to thank everyone who came by and joined in the fun and who sent cards and greetings! It was fantastilishus of you all!! 

I have asked The Staff if she would add up all the individual comments on my birthday post plus those on her facebook page and give a 50p donation per comment to my favourite animal rescue, which, of course, is Freshfields! She needs all her fingers and all my claws to count it up, so I will tell you the final amount next post!

Anyways, on Wednesday The Staff surprised me with a package from Mollie and Alfie's shop!  It was a box. At first I didn't realise there was anything IN the box. I thought it WAS the box!

You can view the video on YouTube here

 There were treats and toys and …. treats!
A whole pile of stuff

Here is an undoctored video complete with some humans chortling and me giving with the nip sneeze!

You can view it on YouTube here

But I still love the box!

I even got one of Alfie's famous nip matz :)

Most of all I really love love LOVE my nip sausage thingy!

Don't even think about it!!

Many thanks to Mollie and Alfie and mum Stella for rushing the fabulous box of goodies here in time for the celebrations. Go pay them a visit, even though I am sure everyone already knows them. They are world famous ;)

assess, ass-ess (prop. noun) - female donkey

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

It's my birthday!

WOW! Just for me!

First of all
I have been sent some lovely cards from some very good friends!

From the Three Moggies (high fives!)

From Sammy (mancat hugs!)

From Nellie xx

From Savannah xx

I'm chuffed to bits!
Thank you very much guys xxxx

Now let's get the show on the road!
Please help yourself to a niptini cocktail

or a brewski
Ahem! Looks like Spitty has been here a while already!!

Tuck into some tuna

I mean...

there are also some canapes (for the ladies!)

and that traditional British favourite …

..Chicken Tikka Masala!
 frankly, it looks like something that's been eaten already!
No I'm having...

..good old fish and chips!
(can I hear the gentle sound of a thousand feline jaws chomping?)

When you've eaten enough...
There will be dancing!!

But first…..

Ahhhh! Sassy
You came!
Excuse us folks! You carry on. We have some meowing to do!
Thank you all for coming!

PS I had a bucket load of stuff in the post for my birthday!! I will show you the loot gifts next time!

PPS Please remember my pal Nerissa today as he is having major surgery on his leg. He is being very brave about it, but I am sure he would love it if you sent purrs, prayers and good thoughts his way.